The land of misfit toys

I was playing with that adorable baby boy of mine when I realized that some of the toys he has are pretty amusing. or disturbing.
Take a look at this farm toy, which he loves:

Pretty standard farm toy fare, yes? But wait...take a look at this cow.

I am udderly (nyuk nyuk!) confused by this animal. What are those ears? What in the HECK is that nose? And that humongous smile? Not to mention the curlicue, deformed looking fetlock (that's ankle, for you non critter peeps) hair. I think a beef crop and a elephant seal had a baby together.

Also, Adam thinks this creature, which the toy calls a sheep, is actually a fluffy puppy. I think he may be right. He looks like he might lick your face and beg for a treat!

Moving along, please note the following wooden puzzle, which my baby Shrimp also loves. Notice anything strange?? No?? You're probably not as bizarre and disturbed as I am. Let me enlighten you.

This deer has boobs. Vertically stacked boobs. I've never seen a deer like that.

This elephant, as my dad would say, "likes his momma's spaghetti."
Have you ever seen a double chinned, pink elephant?

I would like you to note that these toy creators obviously know what they're doing. They must have done research to show that vertically be-boobed deer and spaghetti-loving elephants are babies' favorites. Notice the first two puzzle pieces missing once my baby saw I was "playing" with the puzzle and realized that he "must have his part in the conversation."

Here is the snake. I wasn't quite sure what exact face this snake was making, but my hubby nailed it: "He looks like he just pooped in his pants." I don't know any pants-wearings snakes, but I guess if he had filled his snake tube-pants, he might make a pop-eyed, squiggly grimace. Oh, and the toy creators are at it again. Look how this "oops I crapped my pants" snake attracts my baby like a magnet.

And now, for the most frightening of all my baby's toys....the dreaded Googly-Eyed Chicken washcloth.
Why would you put a face like that on a baby toy? It seriously reminds me of the poultry version of the Chucky doll.

I know where you live!!

Because, you know, every mother wants to see a maniacal, bibbed chicken looming over her baby's head.

Oh, and here's a refreshingly cute toy. A little baby dinosaur, ready to face the new, scary world! I wonder what he'll be when he grows up??

Yogi

Did you know that I was a yoga expert before I even knew what yoga was??? Take the pic above, from a yoga/fitness catalog I get. See that impressive yoga pose?? Well, my baby seester and I used to do this ALL the time. We mastered it. It was easy. We called it "Airplane".






And how about this pose?? I could also do this pose, too.




(ps. flirt, flirt, rinny!)

Yummmmmmmy!!!

And today I would like to share the coffee adventures of "a" coworker (you won't know whose co-worker this is, because I'm being nifty and secretive!!!)

Let's call this co-worker Gertrude. It's her top-secret code name. You'll never crack this case!!!

Gertrude likes to drink cream or milk in her coffee every morning.

Just yesterday morning, as Gertrude and her co-workers (you'll never know who they are!!!!) were waiting for everyone to arrive, Gertrude said:

"This coffee just doesn't taste the same with butter."

This of course elicited gaping mouths and shocked stares from her (top-secret) co-workers.

"I thought I'd try it, since it's the same thing as milk or cream."

ummmmmm. or not.

One of Gertrude's co-workers may or may not (it's classified) have mentioned that butter is grease. That she just put grease in her coffee.

Another of Gertrude's co-workers joked that he had put bacon grease in his coffee that morning and that it was deeeeeeee-licious. (I have clearance to tell you that information)

So, I've been giggling (secretly) and imagining butter coffee all day. for two days, actually! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

P.S. this may or may not (it's classified) remind me of a time that a young junior high school student attempted to make peanut butter popcorn. This student thought she'd subsitute oil for the called-for corn syrup. She thought they were the same. And she made rock candy. and almost burned the house down. I think I read that in a classified report somewhere.

Hello. Please meet the Habsburg family, famously known for their deformed, I mean prominent, jaw, caused by innnnnnnbreeding. Poor Charles 2 of Spain (lower right corner) was so deformed that he had trouble chewing his food and even drooled.

Now I'd like you to please notice that they have their very own bike path at CU. Isn't that sweet??

Hello. Let me introduce you to Igor. Mr. Igor, to you. He is a hunchback. I was going to introduce you to the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but the only pictures of him were either Lon Chaney, or the Disney Hunchback, both of which are too likeable to pick on in a blog.

And now I'd like you to note that Igor and Monsieur Notre Dame have their very own pedestrian path!! Wow, go CU!!

Now, where are the rest of us supposed to walk and bike??

EEEEEK!

For some reason this reminds me of terror-filled nights spent crammed into one twin bed with my baby sister. It reminds me of shrieking in the middle of the night, then being scolded by our parents for scaring them to death.

Hey, a kid can't help it if miller moths are the scariest thing on the planet to them!!

Funny books you only see when you work in a library...

Oh tralala!! this made my day!! I'm sure every arteeest of every kind has heard this at some point. And look...it's officially a booklet/government study!!

ummmmm...

Does any of the following conversation I had with a co-worker just now strike you as odd??

Lars (name changed to protect the...umm): What's that you're listening to?
Me: Nutcracker.
Lars: Can you believe that I have NEVER seen the Nutcracker? I don't even have any idea what the plot is!!
Me: Golly Jeepers! Are you serious! I grew up seeing it every year (thanks Mom & Da!). But I perform in a production of it now, which is why I was listening to it just now. Mental practicing, you see.
Lars: You PLAY it?? Where?
Me: In the Longmont Symphony, with the Boulder ballet. I've done it for three years now, and it's a good production. You should see it. We play next weekend, etc.

this carries on for some time until:

Lars: So, where could I go see it, I wonder.
Me: ummm.
Lars: I'm sure there are several productions in the area.
Me: ummmmm. (did I just imagine the prior conversation??)

taters....aka:the one where I get gold medal for being the best wife ever

So Sunday I went to the grocery store. I guess I've never disclosed on here that my wonderful, beautiful, talented hubby spoils me by doing most of the grocery shopping by himself. Isn't that great? And I believe I can thank my father-in-law for that inherited skill. He does ALL the grocery shopping. Anyhow...I occasionally go with my Mr., and on even rarer occasions....I go by myself.
My Mr. has learned that I am dangerous when I go by myself. Oreos, cheeses, brownie mixes, and other delicacies "find" my cart. And collide with it. in a major way. Also...budget? what's budget, precious??
Nonetheless, on Sunday, I went to the grocery store. alone. My Mr. is slaving away on his doctoral thesis paper, and I thought I would be the savior of the universe by taking the grocery burden on myself.
And it went really well. Except that when I got home, My Mr. asked me if I got lunch stuff.
"nope"
I DID buy sweet potatoes, though. I LOVE sweet potatoes. And I decided that I would stick them in the oven the second I got home, and I could eat sweet potatoes for lunch at work, fry sweet potato slices for our dinners, marry a sweet potato, etc.
I slid them babies in the oven, and carried on with my dinner making, crafting, and lazing around.

Last night, I was in knitting class, and all the ladies began talking about baked potatoes ( I know. The things estrogen festivals talk about. And guys think we gossip all the time!) . How they're delicious, but take far too long to make. I thought of my sweet potatoes. Of how I had diligently put them in the oven and then diligently...

LEFT THEM THERE!!!!

That's right. Smack dab in the middle of knitting class I had the revelation that those beloved taters were still sitting in the oven. For the fourth day. Oh yes, I turned the oven off. Just never got around to removing the taters! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

And that's when i realized that I am the best wife in the world. I deserve some kind of medal. I am the queen of forgetting food, discovering spoiled veggies & fruit, and not fixing dinner because I didn't feel like it.

'I play the pianer!"

Here is a doctoral dissertation I found in the library today. I think you can clearly see why I simply HAD to scan its cover!!! Poor Mr. Broer didn't know a silly girl would be teasing his serious dissertation someday! I'm sure he was quite nice. Very nice, indeed. But he might want to proof read, I don't know...THE COVER of his dissertation, the very pinnacle of his DOCTORAL piana, i mean...piano studies.

Juicy Office Gossip

Do you ever feel like you live in the movie "Office Space?"
Just this week someone came into my office and told me some rather juicy office gossip. She told me it's highly confidential, and that I never heard it from her. And not to tell anyone. But I'm going to tell you, because...well, I guess I like to gossip. And because I don't think you'll a) care, and b) tell anyone.
Here it is. the juiciest shrapnel of office gossip ever uttered on earth:

"I really want to move into the office across the hall from me."


Did that just make your day? Do you now feel you are "in the know??" Good, I'm so glad!
I work in a library, folks! It gets pretty exciting!

that's some big storm!

Last night there was a big storm East of Denver, or so I'm told. That's important to know for this post.

Presenting:

"The Conversation I Overheard on the Bus"
UK title: "The Great Battle of Kansas vs. Nebraksa"

brought to you by Danielle & Co.


The cast:
Bus rider 1 (we'll call him Edgar)
Bus rider 2 (let's say he's Harvey)

Setting: on the Stampede bus. at 7:30 am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Harvey: did you hear about the storm last night?
Edgar: Yeah. I used to live in Nebraska, and we had bad storms out there. Usually the ones that started here in the mountains and worked their way out East.
Harvey: Yeah, I used to live in Kansas, and we had terrible storms!
Edgar: In Nebraska, you'd wake up at midnight and not be able to go back to sleep because of all the lightning.
Harvey: In Kansas, you'd wake up at 2 or 3 am every morning and be kept awake by the storms.
Edgar: The lightning in Nebraksa was really bad!
Harvey: the lightning in Kansas was hellacious!
Edgar: Well, in Nebraksa, at the ranch where I lived, it was so flat, and there were no trees, and the lightning struck a ranch building and burned it down in two minutes!
Harvey: Oh yeah, well in Kansas, they did an actual study of the topography that scientifically showed that it's really and truly flatter than a pancake!!! A pancake has more hills and gullies than Kansas!

The End.

Getting a head start on those gifts

So, I'm thinking ahead (to Christmas), which I never do. And I'm thinking, now that I know how to knit, I should make hand-knit gifts for all my family. This year-sweaters!!

Here's what I'm thinking:

For my beloved marmie, I think this sweater would be nice:
I love the flattering shape, and those terrific diamonds are just b-yoootiful. Yes, Marmie will love it.


For my eldest seester, this cardigan...the one worn by "Braid Lady"...

Only, seester has to agree to please always wear a pocohantas braid with my handmaid sweater. And a scrunchy.



For my fellow middle-seester, I think this number would be delightful:



She must wear her bangs like that, though. I think the cotton candy pink and baby blue will look very striking on her.


For my baby seester, the following romantic cardigan:

I can totally see my baby seester in this. Isn't it so romantic? I bet her husband will just love it!



My poor daddy hasn't got a sweater picked out for him....yet. I'll work on that. We wouldn't want him feeling unloved, now, would we???


And finally, please observe the following model:



I think she looks scared. petrified, even. Adam thinks it's because she saw her reflection.

Look what book I found today!!! Looks riveting.

Today I sent a piece of mail to...

Mr. Harry Foote.

need I say anything more?

Hot Tubbin'

I just got a call from a movie studio asking if they could hang fliers/posters about an upcoming early screening of a movie called...


...Hot Tub Time Machine!!!!


They said it was "aimed at college students."

Ya think???

And here I thought it might be aimed at our professor population.

My hubby. In Disney World

What is the world coming to???

Today one of my students seriously disturbed me. Seriously. Here's our conversation (as usual, names have been changed to protect the seriously disturbed):

Dani: Look, Esmerelda, I have some Disney stickers. Do you want one??
Esmerelda: Ooooh, yes!
Dani: I got these at the dollar section in Target. Do you like Disney?
Esmerelda: Yes, I do! I love Mickey.
Dani: I'm a huge Donald Fan.
Esmerelda: I don't like Donald.
Dani: (look of utter shock) Well, Mickey is boring! So there. And, you're fired. Take that!

Okay, so I didn't say that fired part. But I thought it.
But really...how do you NOT like Donald?? How do you ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever think Mickey is better than Donald?

Okay, I've met some people who are brainwashed by Mickey's trance-inducing high-pitched voice and boring mannerisms. But most of those people like Donald. They just think they like Mickey better. Today might actually be the first time I have ever been awakened to the reality that some people might not like Donald. And I tell ya...my view of the world is seriously changed. damaged, even.

Please, everyone...if you are a fellow disturbed person, and like poor little Esmerelda, you don't like feathered, cranky, mischevious, feisty, adorable, plucky, singing Donald....Please don't tell me. It might push me right over the edge, and I might withdraw to my room and eat double stuf oreos for three straight days.

Now...I have to go seriously re-evaluate my roster of students for next Spring.

Happy Feet

I've got those Happy Feet!
Give them a Donald Duck Sock,
And they begin daaaanncing.......

ummmmm...

I just saw a student walk by with some VERY poorly applied self-tanner product. Not only was it poorly applied, but in a iiiiiiinteresting locale. Let's just say it has me "cracking" up. hehehehehehehehehehhe. pun very intended. get it?

Adam

Adam was listening to our iPod at work this morning. He told me about a song that came on in the random playlist. Said song, according to Adam, was a combination of (all in one song, keep in mind):
1. African music
2. Celtic violin
3. Bluegrass
4. Big band

Sounds like a rather zany mix, no?
I think it was Ghana High Life music.